I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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