apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
