i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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