where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
