is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
