You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he fucked my hip out of place.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
