Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
