Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
