So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
