Your mouth is God's brothel.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
