Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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