She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
