it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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