1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
