Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
