Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
