Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
