Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
