I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
