I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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