I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
