dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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