Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
