The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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