I hate your face
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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