The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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