oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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