Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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