One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
