i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i would one night stand the shit outta him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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