Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
