Apparently you make a good broom.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize