you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
