apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
