I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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