Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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