You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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