Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
