i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
