can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
