i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
