so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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