i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize