He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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