the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize