Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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