dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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