Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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