hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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