his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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