4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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