theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
