i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
