dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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