Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i love accidental penises.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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