he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
