I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
