Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
