I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize