Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
