My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
