Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
